LOS ANGELES — Meeting new people is not easy, which is ironic considering we are a nation of 312 million; people are literally everywhere, except Dodgers Stadium, no one goes there anymore.

Such, in 2011, it’s become more and more socially acceptable to look for a potential mate via the World Wide Web. Internet dating is a billion dollar industry and there are almost 1,000 lifestyle and dating sites. Like most, I dabbled in it a while back and had my share of fun but there’s something to be said for a great meeting story, and sorry, you just can’t really get that with a “oh remember the day you winked at me online?!”

I do my best to be engaging; there’s nothing I like doing more than bringing strangers in on my conversations. It usually works, though not the other night at the Cheesecake Factory. Note to self: Asian women do not care for exotic, high-calorie pastry humor. My point is, there’s something to be said for cheeky-ness and being a ham when it comes to attracting someone or getting their attention.

Having said that, my roommate couldn’t be more opposite. For starters, he’s the nicest kid I know, which is also part of the problem. Women love the sweet, romantic guy, and believe me, he’s that — he once flew across country to surprise some broad with chalk drawings on the sidewalk outside her apartment (they broke up) — but he just isn’t good at breaking the ice. He’s as smooth as Herman Munster. Truthfully, if you could combine his being-in-a-relationship skills with my first-impression charm we’d be more impossible to beat the Love Potion No. 9 guy.

Alas, he’s been perusing one online dating site for a few months but wasn’t officially “on” there with a public profile. He had everything filled out about himself except for the introductory essay. I mentioned to him often — knowing it was a complete longshot since when we’re out and I ham it up he either a) freezes and doesn’t play along or b) shakes his head and doesn’t play along — how I could write up something about him but he wasn’t having it.

Only recently, he relented. It took me just 15 minutes to come up with this:

It’s unfortunate, but so often in life, especially out here, we’re defined by what we do for work. It’s unfair but think about it, how frequently do you meet a new person and by the third question “so what do you do?” is asked? You probably did it last night to someone. It’s usually a conversation killer for me or a sign I’m not really into the person I’m speaking with, unless, of course, they’re a marine biologist, then I break into that Seinfeld skit where George pretends he’s one and has to save some whale. I think it’s hilarious. Them, not usually so much, but I finish the bit anyway until they storm off.

Ludwig Feuerbach said, “You are what you eat,” but in actuality, you are what you do. (which is much better for me since I don’t want to be a box of Cheez-Its) My roommate is the biggest sports fan I know, and he works in sports. College friends who loved to debate are now lawyers, and this one guy from school never used to shower and well, he’s homeless. If I defined periods of my life by my chosen work through the years I’d be a painter, an ice cream display engineer, a student and, see, now here’s where I hit a snag.

Currently, I’m a digital artist. It’s a pretty broad title but I work on movies doing special effects and 3D and all that fancy stuff people oooh and aaahh to at the cinema. Recently, though, I grew frustrated trying to explain the specifics to a female friend of a friend I had just met. I wasn’t trying to impress her by saying I worked in film, I mean, let’s be real here, I’m essentially a computer nerd (I have really bad farmer tan lines to prove it), but I’m a damn good one. This girl, though, didn’t understand what I did, or rather, I didn’t do a good job explaining it so she should follow. By the third go-around I was ready to throw the shuffle board pucks through the bar window.

me: “Well, I composite lighting technical jargon and stereoscopic 3D conversion rate technical jargon render frame-ology Harry Potter technical jargon.”
her: <crickets and the blank stare of a cow>

It’s not sexy what I do but then again, I’m not trying to be sexy doing it. I grew up fascinated by this stuff. It’s interesting to me and I want to be the best at it, and hopefully my passion and ambition will inspire you to be the best at your profession. That’s what everyone should be looking for on here. That and someone you can get loose and have a good time with.

Really, what I’m trying to say is, I’m Joe. Let’s have some coffee and chat about anything but work.

I’m not saying it’s the greatest thing I’ve ever written (a link to THAT would be fantastic, though I just got an idea about creating a separate BrockAngeles page with maybe a Top 6 (Bill Russell, respect) or something; stand by), but it’s close. And it is a pretty accurate description of my roommate, just told through the prism of my wit.

What’s better is that it’s worked; surprisingly well, too. Within the first day of posting he had two emails and five pokes and since he’s well into double digits on both and is even talking on the phone with one lucky lady.

Go me, right? Well, sort of. While I’m proud he’s back in the saddle (almost) even he knows the person these women think they’re talking to is me. Well, me, in the metaphysical sense, they think they’re talking to him, physically and they are. It’s like “Face/Off” but not. You get what I’m saying.

Which brings me to this thought: how should you present yourself on dating sites?

He and I got into a debate about this because I said I’d automatically not consider someone who’d describe them self as “fun-loving,” “easy-going” or any hyphenated similarity, saying you’re not allowed to describe yourself this way. If you attribute a friend, maybe, though it’s not exactly vaulting you to the top of the list. I mean, could you get any more hackneyed?

Be original. Who wants to read the same slop over and over again? Why do you think my roommate got so many responses right away? It’s not because he looks like a Mad Men extra, that’s for sure (though he was Prom King back in high school, so someone finds him appealing). It’s because he (read: I) told an entertaining story which had a beginning, middle and end. It made sense and didn’t look like all the others.

Really, it’s embarrassing what some people put on these sites (more-so than being on there in the first place). The standards include: my friend talked me into joining, I never thought I’d be on there, I love my family and dog, and I enjoy drinking wine and the beach. We get it. Everyone likes those things and you want someone to do them with you. Tell me if you can hit a curveball or what your favorite Scrabble word is, quote some Spaceballs or Bruce, and top it off by describing your weird Troll collection. Gimme something to work with. See, back in the day, I used to focus on one thing about someone’s profile and hammer at it; make fun of it, tell a story of mine relating to it, anything to generate a real conversation. And I got a lot of real responses. One friend used to just send out a standard email, same lines and questions to everyone, and he went on a lot of first dates and that was it. Amateur hour.

You have to stand out. Just like real life.

And if you don’t, well, then I quote Jerry Seinfeld and Elaine Benes:

JERRY: Elaine, what percentage of people would you say are good looking?
ELAINE: Twenty-five percent.
JERRY: Twenty-five percent, you say? No way! It’s like 4-to-6 percent. It’s a twenty-to-one shot.
ELAINE: You’re way off.
JERRY: Way off? Have you been to the motor vehicle bureau? It’s like a leper colony down there.
ELAINE: So what you are saying is that 90-to-95 percent of the population is undateable?
JERRY: UNDATEABLE!
ELAINE: Then how are all these people getting together?
JERRY: Alcohol.

— Chris Brockman

2:19 am  •  19 August 2011

LOS ANGELES — Living out here in the thick of Hollywood it’s tough to drive around (“drive” is a loose term, by the by, since there’s always traffic and very little actual uninterrupted driving) and not notice the gigantic billboards promoting the final season of Entourage. They’re everywhere. In fact, there’s one literally at the end of my street.

The advertisements show the gang looking down into the city from the hills, likely their final time together as currently constructed; their worlds will soon co-exist independent of one another, both within the framework of the show and real life. It’s a cool billboard and actually well done, which can’t be said about the show itself the last few years.

Entourage has had an amazing run, considering how unbearable the last few seasons have been. Last week, HBO replayed the previous season (No. 7) and like a brainwashed member of the liege (and as a refresher for Season 8) I DVR’d all 10 episodes and ripped through them in three days. None of them were great — it’s funny to me how making fun of Entourage has taken the place of actually enjoying Entourage, you literally just watch so you can bash it the next day.

Quick rundown of Season 7: Vince did a bunch of drugs and got messed up with Sasha Grey and her evil vagina (what was hilarious to me is how far and away a better actor Grey is than Adrian Grenier, it’s mind-boggling), Turtle did some very Turtle-esque stuff, a girl and tequilla were involved, Mark Cuban was there, Ari thought about bringing a football team to LA, went nuts and his wife left him, E still has Sloan, a hot assistant and fought a lot with James Caan’s son, and Drama finally got a show about a gorilla. Billy Walsh was even back, too.

Oh, and there were a ton of celeb cameos, I mean, a TON, and they literally brought nothing to the table though we did learn a few things: I’m still afraid of Mike Tyson, Jessica Simpson got fat, Christina Aguilera wasn’t (yet) and athletes can’t act — so they basically fit in. It was all very pedestrian, but I still watched; the superfluous nudity helped.

It helped a lot, actually.

As it would be, Entourage returned this weekend for its final season, an 8-episode hurrah for Vince and the boys, and based on the minute-and-a-half teaser trailer hanging out online we can look forward to some humbling experiences for the once lavish crew. Among them: rehab for Vince, Turtle going out on his own, Drama dealing with the pressure of a hit show and Dice Clay, E maybe not getting married afterall and Ari trying to work through being separated. Though if this show has taught us anything it’s that no matter how many shit storms everyone is caught in they all eventually come out smelling like a fresh batch of donuts (what, did you think I was gonna say roses?) and ultimately, part ways living quite comfortably atop the social and professional ladders.

No matter the peril, everything always seems to turn out OK on this show and that’s where it really failed as a series. I get that it’s television and nothing is guaranteed — Friday Night Lights struggled to stay on the air, that says everything you need to know about the busienss — but the ups and downs happened far too quickly. Vince was hot in the first two years, then to keep the series moving they had him fail, but it wasn’t for long enough. The all-seems-doomed-but-by-the-end-he-magically-has-a-hit-movie-again storyline got old really quickly. Come on, the list of actors who haven’t had a hit in a decade yet still make films (mostly flops) and people consider “stars” could fill an NFL roster, but this guy is an outcast after one, maybe two bad choices. Not buying it. Never bought it. Drama’s recurring plight is much more believable, and entertaining.

When you think about it, Ari has proven to have the most depth as a character and it makes sense since Jeremy Piven is the most talented actor of the bunch. He started as the cocky agent who just wanted to fit in with the cool kids (that scene in Season 1 where he’s at the club doing shots debating if his assistant is hot with E, who was seeing said assistant at the time, says it all) to someone who has really carried the show. Really, I could care less what trouble Vince got himself into, or Turtle trying to find out what to do with his life; I wanted to know how Ari was handling this deal or how he was harrassing Lloyd or trying to sustain his relationship with his wife (the sessions with the therapist were always my favorite). The others were one-trick ponies and even their tricks weren’t that great. We knew how each was going to react ahead of time, no matter the situation and it was quite frustrating as the series went on.

Eventually, I know at least for me, I watched each week (most of the time on some bootleg website, God Bless the internet) because I was already invested in these guys and the show and wanted to see how it all would end. (I feel the same way about Nip/Tuck, Rescue Me and 30 Rock. Thank goodness I gave up on Hung before it got to this point.) Now it is. And I’m fine with that, until there’s a Entourage movie, at which point we’ll go through this all over again.

And that’s something else: what are the other actors going to do now that his show has concluded? Piven will continue to get work (most likely in movies) but there’s no freakin’ way any of the others can carry a new series; America is not tuning in to watch Turtle run a bar or E play a lawyer alongside Zack Morris or Vince star in romantic comedies with Emma Stone or Drama do whatever it is studio executives think he can do. The main crew will forever be known as their characters. Any time one of them does something noteworthy it’ll be “Turtle does this,” etc. and I’m sure to a certain extent they’re OK with that, and why not, Entourage has made them beyond famous and rich and given then opportunities to do basically whatever they want. In a way, they’re all Joey from Friends. And again, I’m sure they’d all do it over the exact same way if given the choice.

Having lived where the show essentially takes place the last two years has been pretty amusing, too. Not that I watch it completely differently, but I understand a lot of the inside jokes more and always pay close attention to where the boys are at to see if I recognize the place, and more often than not, I do. It’s a bizarre world, for sure, and if out here looks like a strangely awesome place on TV (sun and beautiful people can do that) well, it is. Nothing too absurd is irregular and if you can think it, you can make it happen. I don’t have a great example off hand but that’s because you grow numb to the weirdness. Just trust me on this one.

I remember the first time someone told me about Entourage; I was chatting with my friend Amanda on AOL Instant Messenger (remember that thing?!). I think it was after its first season completed and she told me about this show and how much I would love it. Normally that’s a pretty big red flag for me. I’m the guy who HATES doing things people tell me to do because I “would love it.” (cough, Facebook, cough) She described Entourage as “Sex and the City for guys,” and as she explained the shows plot and concept it sounded pretty cool. It wasn’t until the buzz of the second season started building that I straight up bought it on DVD and was hooked almost immediately; theirs was a world I wanted to inhabit. Still is.

As someone who didn’t necessarily grow up with a few close friends, it was refreshing that these guys were old buddies who had a lot invested in each other. They needed each other. That was the appeal of the show. Sure, the red carpets, the girls, the cars, the girls, the spending, the girls and the girls were all beyond amazing, and it made you wish for that type of life, but these guys were best friends. It was all for one. Vince, while the money train, easily could have big-timed the others whenever he wanted, and he’s had his occasional moments, but he always took care of them. How many times did he tell Drama or Turtle he was picking up the tab for this or that, and the introductions to celebrities, the connections? Countless. And Drama, Turtle and E are loyal to Vince in a brotherly way. To have friends like that in your life if something you can’t put a price tag on.

At the very least, Entourage has been one of those shows you didn’t have to think about or analyze like Mad Men or Lost. You knew for the last eight summers it was going to be on, you could could sit down and relax, and for 28 minutes escape your world and imagine what it would be like if you were Vince (everyone is always Vince, right? what’s funny is my boy Joey long ago called being Turtle - fine with me, everyone needs a driver and a hype man!) just tearing your way through Hollywood.

I suppose we’ll all miss it, and at the very least, we’ll be watching.

[One final thought on the show in general: Don’t you wish they really made the movies Vince was supposedly in on the show? How cool would’ve “Queens Boulevard” or “Smoke Jumpers” have been? Or even an episode of “Viking Quest” for Drama? They should’ve at least made trailers, how much extra would that have cost? Couldn’t have been that much. Though let’s be real, “Head On” looked like garbage but that’s just because Jessica Alba is a terrible actress, and I’m guessing I would’ve hated “Aquaman” but that’s only because I’m not a big superhero guy outside of Batman.]

— Chris Brockman

5:16 pm  •  24 July 2011  •  9 notes

The Crossover returns! (click here to listen) and goes on location to the Moon Tower for a very exclusive, late-night, R-rated edition. You won’t be disappointed.

(Disclaimer: Yeah, you read that right, R-rated (some language may offend). OK, carry on with your normal Crossover-listening routine.)

Topics broached: dinner at the Reel Inn, Eric’s worst gift he’s received from a girlfriend, the time Parker burned himself, McBride’s hair, if we could go a round with Pacquiao, Mo’s big prediction for the future of Major League Baseball, openly gay athletes, trips to our hometowns, the group’s thoughts on our favorite president and assassian…

…who we like in the NBA next year, who’d we all trade lives with if given the chance, if we’d rather be Barkley or Robert Horry, Jamarcus or Vince Young, Pryor or Ryan Leaf, how Barkley can get away with saying and doing some of the things he does, our favorite Chris Farley movie, how we would fair in war, whether Parker would be a good King or not, and finally, a special edition of F-Marry-Kill featuring some of the Mo’s friends.

Like I said, this is a R-rated edition that is all over the map, be prepared for anything and most of all, enjoy.

As always, thanks for listening and spread the word. (if you make it through to the end, hit me up, you win a special prize)

— Chris Brockman

11:27 pm  •  12 July 2011  •  3 notes

LOS ANGELES – Long ago, I signed the wink-wink contract with Hollywood which basically said I would suspend disbelief, accept what I was seeing as plausible and enjoy myself in the realm of the cinematic experience each time I plopped down in the plush, reclining stadium seats which inhabit all theaters these days. I’ve adhered to this contract a couple hundred times in my life (give or take a few dozen), but one specific performance recently made me question why it even exists and why I so faithfully accept it.

I mean, look, the list of actors and actresses who can’t perform their way out of a paper bag is long and distinguished but I’ve accepted that about them; I know what I’m getting. Denzel is going to be himself whether he’s the blind badass in “Book of Eli” (it’s been on HBO recently), a whistle-happy, sneering high school football coach or a police detective who can time travel. He’s going to do the Denzel walk, the laugh, the smile and definitely the Denzel clap. You can set your trendy-as-hell MegaShock watch to it.

Now, this tangent I’m turning into a 1,000-word column has manifested itself because last weekend I saw “Bad Teacher,” which stars Cameron Diaz, Jason Segal, some red-head whose eyes are too close together and Justin Timberlake. And while the film was what it was – a below mediocre romantic comedy disguised as a female-led raunch com – it was funny enough where I didn’t feel bad about forking over $16 (#NotTrue).

But it got me thinking on a larger scale about the aforementioned contract we all accept upon each movie-ticket purchase – sort of how we blindly scroll to the bottom without reading that enormous disclaimer before downloading the latest iTunes update or register for Match.com. It could really say anything in there and we’re just clicking that we’re OK with that. That’s what it’s like going to the movies. “I will not take this as real. I will believe what I’m seeing and ignore all obvious plot holes. I will acknowledge that out there exists a bar where Seth Rogan can walk up to Katherine Heigl and she won’t laugh in his face when he spits game … I will … I will.”

Basically, what I’m saying is this: Justin Timberlake will never be a successful actor, as his presence in films is too distracting and outweighs any performance he gives, good or bad.

Now keep in mind, I don’t know him, (obviously, because if I had you can bet I would’ve written about that by now) but I can guess that Timberlake doesn’t merely wish to be in movies, he probably wants to be the best and being the best actor means winning an Academy Award (and sleeping with the most/hottest chicks, which in this case debunks my whole theory about him). Well, I can guarantee that’s never going to happen. I have a better chance at throwing a no-hitter for the Red Sox in my underwear with my mom’s man friend’s cat Stormy catching than he does at hearing his name called in the Kodak Theatre.

And it’s not his fault; well, it actually is his fault for being far too successful and popular at BEING JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE.

Look, it’s not like I haven’t given him a chance, in fact, full disclosure: I love him. I want to be him. But this acting thing is just never going to work.

Let’s take a look-see at the run down of some his more notorious work and what the general (read: my) reaction was when he popped up on screen, shall we?

• Alpha Dog (2006): he wasn’t such a distraction as was his tattoos, such where I spent the entire time wondering why that sweet kid from N’Sync who had the cornrows was suddenly a crackhead Hell’s Angel.

• Black Snake Moan (2006): spent too much time focusing on Christina Ricci’s boobs to even remember he was in this one.

• Social Network (2010): wait, so you’re saying Justin Timberlake basically invented Napster, named Facebook and goes around skipping out on dinner tabs? I’m confused. (Ed. Note: re-watched this movie recently, JT does, in fact, pick up the tab. My bad, yo.)


• Bad Teacher (2011): why is Justin Timberlake acting like such a nerd? And he’s a terrible singer??? This can’t be right. He brought sexy back! Now why is he dry humping Cameron Diaz?!? Weren’t they dating?

See, that’s the thing with JT at this point. His previous career was so huge that and iconic (at the ripe age of 30, mind you) that anything he’s trying to do post that gets overshadowed. Sure, there have been other musicians who’ve gone into acting and had success (David Bowie, Mark Whalberg, Will Smith) but it also wasn’t 2011 when they tried to do so. Meaning the 24-hour, blogosphere newscycle wasn’t in effect where I knew everything about these people. David Bowie could sleep with Mick Jagger and no one would know about it for 30 years until a tell-all book came out. Today, if say a member of a boy band was gay, that would get out almost immediately (oh wait, bad example) and it would change our perception of them and affect how we viewed their work.

Basically what I’m saying is, because today’s celebrity culture operates in such a way where nobodys can become famous for nothing overnight, it works in the opposite direction for people with a superior given talent; making it extremely difficult to cross over into other avenues and reach the acclaim of their original endeavour.

And don’t come at me with Ludacris or The Rock, or other entertainers with successful backgrounds who’ve gone into acting; they are also distracting in their movies too, but they’re also not pretending to be serious about it. I doubt that Chris Bridges or Dwayne Johnson think they’re winning an Oscar any time soon, and if they do, they’re delirious.

Mark Wahlberg is in his own league when it comes to this, however, having been nominated for an Academy Award twice; though what is comical is the reverse of what I was saying. He takes him self FAR too seriously (did you know he produces “Entourage?”). That can backfire if you’re a huge d-bag about it, which who knows if he is since again, I’ve obviously never met him. (remember Eminem clowning Wahlberg on TRL back in the day? Hands down one of the funniest things ever. (can’t find it on YouTube, sorry))

Timberlake is similiar to Wahlberg when it comes to acting; you can tell he’s taking himself beyond serious, he just doesn’t have the same skills Marky Mark has. And while watching JT give his performance you’re secretly waiting for him to do break it down back to Omeletteville or return sexy to its proper owner and when he doesn’t you’re greatly disappointed.

JT recently said in a Vanity Fair interview that he could see himself doing maybe one more album and a big tour, and that’s too bad and extremely shortsighted on his part. I’m not saying he should be the Stones or Springsteen and tour until he can’t jump around, dance on stage and tell incoherent stories behind each song any longer, but you shouldn’t deny the public the gift which they helped make you famous for (in other words: you gotta give the fans what they want). It’s the exact advice Phil Jackson gave to Michael Jordan to lure him back to the NBA in 1995. And let’s be honest, it’s how you stay relevant: do what got you there (of course being active in social media and/or changing your name doesn’t hurt either) or at least be competent in a new venture to stick around.

Ultimately, I think Timberlake will stick around in the acting game for a while because he’s a bankable name; everyone knows who he is, he’s attractive and has a very engaging personality (which is primarily the reason why he’s so good on Saturday Night Live). He’ll definitely do more than one tour, because how can you pass up all that dough? But, in about 10 years when you scroll is IMDB page, there won’t be anything film-related that jumps out at you. Perhaps in his 40s he’ll have a leading man comeback, who knows. 

As I always like to remind myself, Samuel L. Jackson didn’t become a movie star until after he turned 40.

#ActingSon

— Chris Brockman

12:40 pm  •  5 July 2011  •  6 notes

The Crossover returns with Episode XVIII (click here to listen) featuring lots of hoops and movie talk with Jason Cantor! (@FiveSecondStare)

The Spaniard and I play catch-up and get right into the NBA Finals, which was the best the league has offered since 2008 (duh). The Mavericks played a complete team series to march through the playoffs and dismantle the Heat in six games for their first NBA Championship.

We talk his beloved New York Knicks and the state of that franchise, how he feels about the resignation of Donnie Walsh, Isiah’s possible return and if Carmelo Anthony and Amare Stoudamire can co-exist in the future. Jay even gets in some Mets thoughts and a 2011 World Series pick.

Finally, we get into some in-depth analysis (or something like that) about this year’s summer movie season, which has been pretty great thus far. From “Bridesmaids” to “X-men: First Class” we discuss the best and the worst.

We hit on so much, we didn’t even leave time for a 4th Quarter, which would have been some exclusive ROFFL talk. For another time, I guess.

Regardless, you want want to miss this fast-paced episode.

As always, thanks for listening and spread the word!

— Chris Brockman

12:45 am  •  20 June 2011  •  28 notes

LOS ANGELES – A bit ago, I made passing mention of how I measure how old I’m getting/feeling by things my sister does, as well as when the athletes of my youth retire from their game. In a way, I predicted the eventual retirement of Shaquille O’Neal by saying his end was near.

If you’ve seen him play in recent years with Phoenix, Cleveland or this past year with Boston, it wasn’t a shocking prognostication by any stretch. But it came true last week when the Big Fella announced his retirement in a short video he posted on his Twitter page (where else?!), thus concluding his remarkable 19-year professional basketball career.

O’Neal’s achievements on the basketball court speak for themselves: 4 NBA titles, 3 NBA Finals MVPs, 1 regular season MVP, 15 All-Star selections, Rookie of the Year, 28,596 points (5th all-time), 13,099 rebounds and a career free-throw percentage of .527.

What’s funny is that some, including me, think he could have been even better. A silly notion considering what the stat book says but the truth is in the video tape. Injury prone throughout his career, only four times did the Big Aristotle play a full season (not counting the lockout-shortened year of 1999 in which he played in 49 games); bluntly, O’Neal just didn’t like working out in the off-season or showing up to training camp in shape. The Most Dominant Ever, as he liked to call himself, could have been even more so had he actually cared. And don’t get me wrong, Shaq was dominant; the highlites, the numbers speak volumes, but it could have been MORE.

Rather than work to be the best, the Diesel spent his time making movies, producing rap records and enforcing the law. He had his own action figures, a Superman obsession, the best “Cribs” episode of all-time and the greatest entrance in NBA All-Star Game history. Basketball was secondary and he seemed to be OK with that, and you know what, I’m OK with that, too. I probably would’ve done the same thing if I was him and given the same opportunities. Regardless, his penchant for doing anything but basketball during the summer months it definitely showed during the early parts of nearly every season he played following the last of his three Los Angeles championships in 2002.

Shaq invented the mantra “Play Yourself Into Shape.”

But boy, were those great Shaq moments truly great. And memorable. And quotatious. Was there anything better than Shaq putting his name into everything?

And he was always the best interview, pre- and post-game. Shaq knew what people wanted to hear and reveled in giving it to them. As a reporter in my former life, I can appreciate good soundbite and the Big Shaqtus was full of them. Arguably his best quality was that he understood a good relationship with the media was not only essential but necessary to becoming a sports icon, and without a doubt Shaq is a bonafide 21st century sports icon. Look no further than his retirement news conference as evidence; he hosted the media whorde at this Orlando home. His home! Unheard of, but that’s Shaq for ya.

Sure, he spent his last years ping-ponging around the league hoping for one last championship (chasing Kobe??) and that does tarnish his legacy a bit, but he more than made up for it with his personality, which will always be second-to-none among sports superstars. Shaq got it, whatever “it” is, and he will be remarkable on television when he chooses to do so. Hopefully they can find a set big enough for him.

Talking heads will debate where his place in history will be and it’s a valid discussion. Is he in the top 10 all-time? Probably not, but definitely in the top 20 and one of the five greatest centers of all time — Wilt Chamberlain, Bill Russell, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Hakeem Olajuwon are the others. The Big Shamrock changed the way games were officiated for big men in the NBA we know today. It’s like how you could call holding on every play in the NFL, you could whistle someone for a foul every time Shaq got the ball in the low post.

He was a freak of nature the league had never seen before. You thought Blake Griffin was exciting? Dial up some Shaq highlites from 1993. Just out of this world, though not revolutionary, could you imagine if you could YouTube Wilt Chamberlain clips? But the jolt Shaq gave the league at the time could never be measured.

I’m assuming Sports Illustrated for Kids still exists but has been forever since I’ve seen it or read it, but I still remember shortly after Shaq joined the league I wrote this poem of sorts I planned on sending in about him. And the funny thing is, I still remember some of the words. Ahem:

My name is Shaq and I’m on the attack, bustin’ backboards like they were people’s backs…  Dunkin’ like crazy ‘cuz you’re too lazy. Open jumpers are nothin’ but net, I’m coming at you so don’t go in debt. Number one pick, 4 mil’ a year, they pay me to dunk so I pierced my ears…I don’t fake the funk on a nasty dunk and I hate to shoot 3s but I think they’re a breeze. I shaved my head to be like Air Jordan, I got my own shoe, too bad Alonzo Mourning …

Yeah, that’s about all I can remember. Hey, I was 12, whaddya want from me? I bet my mom still has it somewhere in a box at Brockman Manor if any of you really care.

With all the statue talk around Los Angeles recently, and Kareem whining about not having one, it was curious that the Lakers said they would at some point be retirinig Shaq’s No. 34, which would lead to be believe some bronze to follow. I guess that’s how you know you’ve made it. But certainly, there doesn’t need to be a monument outside Staples Center to remember the career of Shaquille O’Neal.

He was one of a kind, and believe me, it’ll be tough to top, but I’m guessing his second act will be more entertaining than the first.

Thanks for the memories.

— Chris Brockman

11:28 pm  •  7 June 2011  •  3 notes

The Crossover is back with Episode XVII focusing on the life of “Macho Man” Randy Savage! (click here to listen)

As everyone knows, Macho Man passed over last weekend at age 58 following a single-car accident in Florida, and so VA (@chrisrosenthall) joined me to remember and pay respect to the life of one of our favorite WWE Superstars.

It seems everywhere you look sports statues are popping up all over the place these days, it seems. Out here in SoCal, hoops legend Kareem Abdul-Jabar has been complaining the Lakers haven’t put one of him out front of Staples Center yet.

Seems ridiculous, but let’s be honest: statues are cool. So, after VA  and I paid our respects with another solid podcast effort to the fallen Macho Man, we had a post-show conversation centered around bronze.

VA asked me if there was a statue put up of Macho Man how far would be too far for me to visit? I said that a statue of the greatest Intercontinental Champion of all-time would be pretty awesome — given that is displayed his colorfully eccentric attire — but considering I’d never seen Michael Jordan’s statue in Chicago and he’s my favorite athlete ever, the chances would be quite low. I did add, should something be going on in Vegas, and he was still alive to give a speech and I could muster up a crew to roll with, I’d make an exception.

Alas, that’ll never happen but we can still enjoy all the Youtube clips of Macho Man’s insane promos, the epic match with Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat at Wrestlemania 3 and, of course, a Slim Jim.

So, enjoy us talking about the life of Macho Man, what we think he’d been up to before his death, what it’d be like if he was our high school baseball coach, going as him for Halloween this year and much, much more.

As always, thanks for listening and spread the word! And check out more of my musings on Twitter @chris_brockman.

Oooooooooooooooooooh yeah!!! DIG IT!!!

— Chris Brockman

12:54 am  •  27 May 2011  •  1 note

It is with authoritative trepidation that I say the following: the Tiger Woods Era is over.

The dominance, the swagger, the magic; gone.

The mystique shattered.

The aura vanished into the wind.

And it pains my soul believe that; the 16-year-old me, awestruck at the power, the ability, the fist pump never thought I’d ever think it, but I do.

Woods withdrew from The Players Championship last Thursday after just 9 holes and a round of 6-over, citing injuries to his already ailing knee and Achilles. He winced after each shot and looked like someone making his tour debut rather than the imposing king of the fairway jungle. Rather than fight through it, to “grind” as the hackers say, he took his ball, shook the hands of his playing partners Matt Kuchar and Martin Kaymer and went home.

“Knee acted up … Achilles … calf cramped up … whole chain reaction,” Woods told reporters after and The Big Lead posted online. “Gimme a few days to see what the docs say. I’m having a hard time walking.”

“Just saw Tiger come limping by me in the locker room. Considering he’s supposed to be on the course I’m guessing that’s not a good sign…..” Graeme McDowell tweeted before his opening round Thursday.

NFL kicker Jay Feely summed it up best with a Tweet of his own: “Tiger made every amateur golfer feel good today. +6 through 9 holes & he walks off the course. How many times have we all felt like doing that.”

And who could blame him. The withdrawal is a microcosm of his play since returning from the self-imposed exile following the sex scandal of late 2009; his $100 million-plus divorce to Elin Nordegren was finalized earlier in this year.

 And while trying to piece his life together off the course his game couldn’t have been worse on it. Erratic off the tee – has he ever really been down-the-center smooth every time, though? —, out of sync when he did find the fairway and off his kilter with his normally lethal putter, Woods went from ranked No. 1 in the world a year ago to eighth entering this past weekend’s Players. Who knows where he’ll be slated after this most recent abrupt exit but wherever it is, it’ll probably be too high.

 The funny thing is, I sort of predicted this in a Wishes For The New Year column at my old newspaper three years ago (Jan. 9, 2008). Then, for one of my wishes, I wrote: “I wish Tiger Woods is again dominant (isn’t that like wishing for the sun to rise?) and isn’t involved in some sort of scandal; I don’t think my heart could take it.”

One instance where I wish I wasn’t right.

Much has been written, discussed and spoofed on the Internet and TV about him as a man, but golf is just more interesting when Woods the golfer is hunting near the top of the leader board. Seriously, how great was this year’s Masters, when it appeared, after being seemingly out of it at the start of Sunday, Woods had a chance to win his 5th green jacket? It was amazing. CBS’s ratings spiked. Sports fans across the country were glued to their flat screens and Twitter feeds. I’m not alone in hoping for a Woods comeback. I can say that with certainty. But more and more it’s feeling like wishful thinking.

I measure how old I’m feeling by things my younger sister does. She’s 24 now and lives with her boyfriend, owns a house and has two dogs. I have neither of those things. But I know I’m getting up there in age when I can remember the start and finish of a transcendent athlete’s career. And it’s happening more and more often.

Marshall Faulk. David Robinson. Ken Griffey, Jr. I remember the beginning, prime and end of their Hall of Fame careers. Soon, Shaquille O’Neal, Allen Iverson, Greg Maddux, Randy Moss and others will join them.

But Woods is different. His was a career that just two years ago had seemingly no end in sight. Jack Nicklaus’s record for major victories was going down and going down hard, but now?

?????

That’s just it. There are no answers, only questions. No one knows. Not even Tiger. But sports fans can hope.

Here’s to hoping.

5:53 pm  •  16 May 2011  •  5 notes

Say what you want about Twitter but it’s a fantastic news and information source, albeit in 140 characters or less. Writers have taken to posting links to their articles there before any other location. It makes for some great searching and scrolling in the ole’ timeline, and in that spirit, I came across such as this gem two days ago. (via L.A. Times)

Being the upstanding citizen that I am, I forwarded on to my co-worker Ted, (@tedchovanes). Here’s what he wrote back almost immediately:

Initial reactions…

 

#32 Kate Beckinsale – Underated watch “Click” solid housewife material

#28 Kardashian  - #28 WTF especially with the picture they picked

Shit gets real at #20 on

Salma Hayek still packin heat at her age

Beyonce looks white in that picture.

Hayden Pannetierre  - overrated

Charlize Theron is the best thing since sliced bread

La times scoring diversity points with the Asians

I am a huge Stacey Keibler fan

Can disagree but can’t really argue Scarlett Johansson at #1 

 

Notables not mentioned

1.       Kate Upton – Duh? Get with the program LA times

2.       Gisele – obviously

3.       Eva Longoria, where you at?

 

 

*Dear Editor: Thank you for not including Khloe “The Fat” Kardashian

Go ahead, L.A. Times, get yours. Who need the Maxim Top 100?!? It’s a perfectly fine list, I mean, not having Kate Upton on there is pretty egregious. Seriously, have you seen the “Dougie” video?? (click here NOW) Oh well, so our other co-worker, Courtney (@sportincourt), was not to be outdone, and she had her own thoughts on “The List”:

My thoughts on the list—
48 –Holly Madison: With all the plastic surgery she’s had.. she bought her way onto the list

47 –Danica Patrick : I think she is kind of overrated… would she be on a list of beautiful women if she wasn’t in a male dominated sport?

45 – Leona Lewis : LOVE her
44 – Katy Perry : she’s got a tiny waist and huge boobs… of course she’s on the list
43 – Gabrielle Union: she is definitely gorgeous.. and nothing is fake (or at least doesn’t look fake)
40 –Taylor Swift: I think she is cute, in a 12 year old way.. kinda pervy for all these older men to be ogling her

37 –Blake Lively: typical hot Hollywood actress.. she is gorgeous. If you ask most guys what the perfect girl would look like.. I think most would conjure an image of her

34 –Kaley Cuoco – butterface
32 – Kate Beckinsale: stunning!
31 – Lucy Liu – fulfills your hot asian fetish
29 –Christina Ricci: No idea why she is on the list.

28 –Kim Kardashian: I’m surprised she isn’t higher.. isn’t she one of the most lust after celebs?
21 –Keira Knightly: too anorexic looking for me

17 – Natalie Portman: I love her.. not only is she beautiful, has a great body, but she is also “wicked smart”
15 – Heidi Klum: she’s also gorgeous. She seems to have it all

14 – Penelope Cruz – the hot exotic woman.. The fact that she has a strong accent, makes her hotter

13 –Hayden Panettiere: she is hot.. in the midget gymnast kind of way

12 – Eva Mendes: absolutely gorgeous.. I think the mole on her cheek makes her even more stunning. And she has a great body
8 – Charlize Theron: another classic beauty
5 – Salma Hayek: she should be on this list, but Penelope is hotter

4 – Megan Fox – the sexy badass

3 – Beyonce – she is definitely gorgeous and has a great body.. but without the hair extensions and the loads of make up, she wouldn’t crack the 100 most beautiful list

1 – Scarlett Johansson: seriously?? She is #1?? I think she has a great body, and should be on the list, but number one?? Definitely not. I don’t get what it is with her
 
Someone who should be on the list… Olivia Wilde

What say you, my Tumblr peeps? I mean, honestly, lists are like a**holes: everyone has one, and this is just one publication’s opinion but it certainly got us talking. And if you think this entry was just an excuse to search through and post a bunch of pics of hot chicks, well, you’re right.

Give it up for freedom.

7:03 pm  •  6 May 2011

Yes, there’s a major labor dispute going on in the National Football League. Yes, a lot of these players will never play beyond their first contract. Yes, there are a lot of drunken idiots at Radio. City. Music. Hall. yelling for their teams. Yes, most of them are J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets fans. No, for the 10th straight year I was not selected among the first 32 picks. Yes, I am bitter about it. But that didn’t deter me from setting up shop at the Owl’s Nest for this year’s NFL Draft and documenting the 1st Round running diary style. Let’s roll…

4:38pm – following in the introduction of all the Hall of Famer inductees and the prospects on hand, Roger Goodell is introduced to the crowd at Radio City Music Hall and is promptly booed. He responds with a thumbs up; weird… crowd chanting “we want football” to which Goodell replies, “I agree with you.” And we’re underway here at the 2011 NFL Draft!!

4:40pm – And for the second straight year we are LIVE for this year’s NFL Draft with a running commentary featuring yours truly. This time around we’re in The Nest where Owl (@shawnries) is joining me and you can bet he’ll have some spiking criticism of each pick, the wardrobes, the comments from draftees and announcers; of course right up until Buffalo ruins his day by taking Blaine Gabbert.

4:44pm – Cam Newton sit down with Deion Sanders… why does everyone say they’re blessed? Aren’t we all blessed? Cam is a good looking dude, I’ll give him that. And I really like Deion’s suit in this, glad to see he’s gone away with those silly collars he used to rock.

4:46pm – “he seems so full of baloney. It seems like such false modesty.” And there you have it, Owl has chimed in on Cam.

4:49 pm – “I don’t understand this interview,” Owl says. Nope, me neither. And why would being selected number 1 be a burden off Cam’s shoulders? I’m so confused by that statement. What was so difficult about this process? Everything has been his doing.

4:50pm – quote of the day so far by Mike Mayock on Cam: “I’m about to give birth to this man. We’ve been carrying him for 9 months.” So true, gosh, we’ve been talking about this guy since October. And don’t get me wrong, I like him, just don’t believe he’s geniune.

4:55pm – I really hope Michael Irvin doesn’t think Cam Newton is going to score 50 touchdowns next season, like he sort of just said: “they need his touchdowns!” How is this guy still on TV? Half of what he says doesn’t make any sense but he has everyone confused because he says it so passionately. Also, pretty conservative suit from him tonight, a silver and light blue combo.

5:00pm – NFL Network first-person draft open was beyond off the hook. Well done by @Spoon33 and his team.

5:01pm – Eisen throws out his second “Radio City Music Hall” immediately followed by a third before showing Newton rocking the iPhone, possibly on with the Panthers (most likely).

5:04pm – Goodell walking to the stage to a sea of boos: “I gotcha” … he’s clearly rattled … “let’s get back to some football” as he panders to the crowd … and he announces the Panthers are officially on the clock.

5:05pm – “who are these guys?” Owl asks of the dudes in the headsets sitting in the orchestra as Carolina immediately turns in their card. Is there any doubt it’s Cam here?

5:06pm – Nope. Cam Newton goes number 1 and is promptly booed by the crowd, as he should. No one welcomes rookies to the league like New York fans. If I didn’t hate their teams so much, I’d probably like them. “He’ll look a lot cooler in that uniform than Jake Delhomme at least… Jimmy Clausen sucks, that I saw coming a mile away.” Owl heating up.

5:07pm – “this is how the draft is supposed to work, the most electrifying player is supposed to go to the worst team.” Declares Irvin. Well thanks for that, Mike.

5:08pm – good point by Marshall in the Panthers needing to keep both running backs to take pressure off Cam.

5:09pm – Cam with Deion and his mom … apparently the first thing he’s going to do is take his mom on vacation, ya know, because learning the playbook and meeting your teammates and coaches isn’t that important.

5:13pm – Broncos take Von Miller, who Mayock calls the best pass rusher in college football. And he’s been on the phone for a long time. I have a feeling he’s very spiritual, and he’s just crushing that Texas A&M hat hard, time to ditch that for a Denver lid, son. And has there been a bigger bad ass wearing glasses before?

5:14pm – Bills on the clock and Owl is so terrified they’re going to screw it up. Not sure how they can, there’s only one pick here, it’s Marcel Dareus.

5:18pm – commercial-break moment: “would you get a Kevin Youkilis fat head if you had to get one?” um, I think that’s a no-brainer.

5:20pm – Marcel Dareus to the Bills and Owl has his arms raised in triumph. I mean, when you’re last against the run, you should probably draft a run stopper. “Look at this monster, get to work!”

5:21pm – is Nick Saban allowed to stand there and hand Dareus his Bills gear? That seemed kinda weird, no? Look at that watch, and is he wearing a pinky ring? Is there an Alabama mob I’m not aware of?

5:23pm – do we have subtitles on this Dareus interview with Deion? Cause we should. How many times do you think he’s seen snow? He’s about to get real familiar with it.

5:24pm – Bengals immediately get their pick in … and take AJ Green. Wonder how Chad Ochocinco feels about this? And what are the Bengals going to do at quarterback next season? Jordan Palmer isn’t the man, is he?

5:25pm – Irvin just compared Green to Plaxico Burress … umm, that can’t be a good thing it?

5:29pm – back from break and Patrick Peterson is on the phone. Blaine Gabbert and his flowing locks still standing by in the green room. Eisen wonders if the #6 spot is a trade spot.

5:30pm – Goodell still getting booed, which is hilarious. And Peterson is the guy… and is hugging everyone in sight. Who is playing QB for the Cardinals next season? John Skelton? I don’t get teams. Though I will say this, Peterson is the best player in the Draft.

5:32pm – and we have a trade! Eisen just said we have some movement … Mayock says involving the Browns and possibly the Falcons.

5:34pm – so it’s gonna be Julio Jones to the Falcons to team up with Roddy White and Matt Ryan and Michael Turner. Compiling quite the offense down there.

5:35pm – Peterson talking with Deion … “he should start talking a ton of shit to Larry Fitzgerald, ‘good luck catching a pass this season;’ .. he actually seems like a nice guy.” thanks for chiming in, Owl.

5:36pm – WOW! That is a TON OF picks the Falcons just gave up to get Julio Jones. 5 picks going to the browns, including this year’s #1 and next years, including a 2nd and two 4ths … and Jones is selected officially and is our front-runner for best dressed in a Alabama themed outfit including a bow tie. Impressive.

5:41pm – pretty low key looking 49ers war room and we cut to Aldon Smith on the phone… and Goodell is up … and it’s Smith, wow. I’m pretty stunned right now. Al Harrington’s look-a-like. Does this mean the Titans get Blaine Gabbert?

5:43pm – Mayock quick to point out Smith “3 years removed from his high school prom … he’s gonna go get the quarterback.” The 49ers hope so. So they’re sticking with Alex Smith? Or will they trade for Carson Palmer? Stay tuned.

5:45pm – Aldon Smith’s family still on the stage and Goodell comes out and the Titans take … JAKE LOCKER!!!?!?!?? WHOOOAAA!!! That is unreal. Stunned right now in the Nest.

5:47pm – commercial break as we digest that Locker just got picked when he’s probably the 4^th best QB on the board … now we’re talking about Scream 4, Owl knew who the killer was, I was only half right. Good movie though. I had a good time in it.

5:50pm – and now the Cowboys are on the clock, and if you remember, they made the biggest splash last season by trading up to take Dez Bryant.

5:53pm – guys are shocked Cowboys are taking the full time here, as am I. it’s gotta be Prince or Tyron Smith here, right? Could they swing a trade Patriots style?

5:54pm – more boos for Goodell (never gets old) .. Cowboys take Tyron Smith, so now Romo can sleep tonight … solid pick and now the Redskins get their man with Blaine Gabbert.

5:56pm – Gabbert hanging out still, looks exactly like Joe Cain from The Program. “put the women and children to bed and go hunting for dinner!” What’s the over/under on number of chicks Gabbert slayed at Missouri? 2,500? 

6:00pm – so Jacksonville has traded up to presumably take Blaine Gabbert?? Confused by this. Why does everyone hate David Garrard. “I think he’s fine, but it’s not special or anything, he’s not wining games for you. He’s maybe keeping you from losing games.” Mel Kiper has nothing on Owl.

6:05pm – this has been an outstanding draft so far, love the movement, and the unpredictability.

6:07pm – JJ Watt on the phone and appears heading to the Texans. Prince is falling … very conservative suit by Gabbert, which fits since he seems to be the most boring or the first round prospects. Even Watt looks more gangster.

6:09pm – last time 3 qbs went in the top 10 was 1999 when Tim Couch (Browns), Donovan McNabb (Eagles) and Akili Smith (Bengals) went 1-2-3. 

6:12pm – are we to believe there is an airline that would allow someone to bring a chainsaw on the plane? I don’t think so, Echo.

6:14pm – pretty shocked Prince is still on the board, but looking good in that peach ensemble.

6:16pm – Vikings pick is in and a quick look at their draft party shows a bunch of idiots waering horns and jerseys … Goodell to the podium, no boos… WOW!!!!!!!! Christian Ponder?!?!? Holy beeejeezuss!!! Two words: Game. Changer.

6:17pm – the senior bowl MVP, Prince Valliant gets taken with the bad bad hair cut, holy smokes I’m stunned… Mooch likes the pick?!? Gotta be kidding me. Are they booing at the Vikings party? Does Favre Watch officially start tonight?

6:21pm – Fairley on the phone, is he going to the Lions??? Could you imagine him teamed up with Suh??? .. and Goodell makes it official… Nick Fairley and he’s wearing the right colors with his suit. Look at that bow tie.

6:22pm – wow, did the lions defense just get a whole lot better. I know I said it last year that the Lions would be sexy and challenge in the NFC North, well I’m gonna say it again. THE LIONS WILL MAKE THE PLAYOFFS!!! (so long as Stafford is healthy, ha. Seriously man, stay healthy.)

6:25pm – love the view of guys chilling at their house and WHOA, look at Andy Dalton’s girlfriend on the couch? Helloooo lady.

6:28pm – so it appears to be Robert Quinn to the Rams at #14 and underneath it says the Rams haven’t made the playoffs since 2004. There you go. Quinn will play and make an impact right away. It’s too bad he didn’t play this season, could’ve been top overall pick.

6:30pm – this just got thrown out: “at what point do we go to Yogurt Land?”

6:35pm – Mike Pouncey looks like a really jolly guy, I bet he’s so fun to hang out with. “true or false a white ugy could wear that suit? FALSE, a khaki suit?!” OK, maybe not.

6:39pm – look at Pouncey’s watch. “why would you want that?!” asks Owl, that thing is ENORMOUS!?!?! and why is Maurkice Pouncey wearing a Dolphins hat? Shouldn’t he be repping the Steelers 24/7?

6:42pm – so the Redskins need a quarterback, have traded out of a slot where they could have got someone to fill that need, only to trade down and take Ryan Kerrigan, a boring player who gets a boring response from the crowd following this announcement. Sounds about right.

6:43pm – “played with his hand in the dirt his whole life” – Mayock … typical Redskins pick, just boring, haven’t made an impact on a draft selection in years.

6:47pm – so many good players here with the Patriots on the clock – Bowers, Cam Jordan, Prince, Mark Ingram, Anthony Castonzo … Mayock is talking trash, I love it …. Pick is in, and will get booed greatly, can’t wait.

6:48pm – loudest boos of the night for the Patriots pick … Nate Solder … and I’m confused .. this has to be in anticpation of Matt Light leaving or Logan Mankins not returning after being franchised.

6:52pm – really don’t get that pick, Bill must’ve seen something on the film that he really liked. Solder is 6-foot-8 which is ridiculously tall for a lineman, so I guess he’s got that going for him, whch is nice.

6:54 – Corey Liegut gets picked by the Chargers … Mayock likes the player, doesn’t like him for the Chargers, weird. Still wating to hear his thoughts on the Pats …

7:01pm – Prince is on the phone! Giants on the clock, quick text to the biggest Giants fan I know, Rich Kiss (@rgk224), to ask his thoughts on possibly taking Mark Ingram, he said: “I hope not, that would screw my Ahmad Bradshaw keeper pick.” As always, Rich thinking in fantasy before his actual favorite team. Love it.

7:03pm – probably the lamest line of the night from Eisen: “John Mara has an Amukamara now.” If you didn’t know, he was on Letterman last night, too. He could do this all week if you let him, but you probably don’t want that.

7:05pm – Best Dressed so far: Fairley, Peterson, Pouncey… others?? Julio Jones, maybe.

7:07pm – Prince is real Nigerian royalty and his entire family is on the stage, all 38 of them. Please, insert “Coming to America” jokes now.

7:11pm – Adrian Clayborn to the Bucs, who already have a pretty good defensive line, so they’ve added depth. Clayborn already a contender on the all-hair team. Mayock touting Clayborn’s motor, “I love a good motor.”

7:15pm – officially sick of this Pepsi Max draft commercial.

7:17pm – we have another trade; Chiefs appear to be trading down … with the Browns apparently … boring team to boring team. Wake me when the Pats are back up at 28 … and it appears to be Phil Taylor, seconds after Mayock said it was Cam Jordan …

7:18pm – Taylor is my favorite player in the draft, not really, but kinda because he looks just like Rick Ross… and the NFL network spoils the next pick by going to Anthony Castonzo’s house where he’s on the phone with the Colts … say what you want about it spoiling what’s coming up, but it’s pretty cool seeing these guys celebrating on the phone… also, no bigger meat head in the entire draft than Castonzo.

7:21pm – and look who is it to announce the Browns pick, new Madden cover boy Peyton Hillis, who immediately thanks his lord and savoir Jesus Christ, that’s nice. Let’s just see your snake skin boots, peyton… and Browns take Taylor officially…

7:26pm – after a circle jerk on stage, Goodell comes out and announces Castonzo … love the shot at the guys house, I think that’s what I would do, or have done, have a big party at my house. Lovin Coastanzo’s girl in purple, too, “she wants him to give a F about her sooo bad.” How much beer does Castonazo drink tonight? A case? Two?

7:28pm – no one does inside jokes like the NFL Network.

7:31pm – you want a surefire way not to get booed, Roger Goodell, bring out a bunch of military personnel. Smartest move he’s made all night. “now we can all cheer for the same team” as the crowd chats U-S-A! Classy. Love the troops. Thanks dad.

7:34pm – crowd goes back to booing Goodell, so awesome. Love this crowd. And the Eagles take 48-year-old Danny Watkins and his smoking hot girl friend. He’s a very solid player, blue collar, Philly will love him… no doubt he’l be successful in this league.

7:36pm – some fire fighters in the stands going nuts for Watkins and he’s giving them thumbs up in return. Love it. Want him to succeed in the worst way.

7:41pm – Irvin has been pretty quiet all day, which coudln’t be better news. The less of him the better, in my humble oopionion of course… Saints pick is in, should be Cam Jordan here, he’s the best available.

7:45pm – Nick Saban sitting at the Alabama table just stewing. He looks like he’s gonna choke someone.

7:46pm – I love how analysts just say shit. Marshall faulk just said if you look up and down the Patriots draft board it’s full of SEC guys (their only pick has been Big 12) and their roster is full of SEC guys … I don’t know if this is true, but I’m going to investigate. Stay tuned…. Lombardi immediately rebukes Ingram to Pats theory, says they’re sitlll ooking D-Line.

7:50pm – and just counted, 15 players on the Patriots from the SEC, ok, Marshall, I’ll give you that one.

7:51pm – great war room shot of Pete Carroll just chillin, like he doesn’t care and then they take James Carpenter, much to the surprise of Nick Saban, which was hilarious. Great shot of the ‘Bama players sitting in the green room mouthing his name in disbelief.

7:53pm – hearing Don Draper’s voice almost makes me ewant to go out and buy a Mercedes. It’s really, really close.

7:55pm – who likes wearing a beard better: Mark Ingram or @TheMo21 **inside joke alert!**

7:59pm – confusion on the set while they work out the trade that just happened with the Ravens and someone … not sure who, but the Chiefs are on the clock … how in the hell do you pass on the pick? That’s what it appears the Ravens have done.

8:01pm – what is going on right now? The Chiefs have apparently got their pick in and the Patriots are on the clock, but what happened to the Ravens?! “I hope Dareus holds out for most of training camp.” Owl is trying to talk himself into feeling bad about the Bills pick.

8:03pm – Eisen is now dircecting the show, asking for shots while we figure out who’s pick went where and to whom. This is so confusing. And that guy’s who teams call when they’re making a trade down in the orchestra chair is enormous. “that’s like being in the back of a mini van, can we get them up here!” – Mayock is killing it right now. And now the guy in the chair covered his mouth like he’s calling plays on the sideline. TELL US WHAT THE TRADE IS!!!

8:04pm – here’s Goodell … the Chiefs take Jonathan Baldwin, receiver from Colorado. What a let down.

8:07pm – ok we’re back , and there’s a trade with the Saints and the Patriots (shocking), but the Ravens got their pick in now and take Jimmy Smith, the knucklehead (Charles Barkley voice) from Colorado.

8:08pm – and Ingram is on the phone, so he’s going to the Saints to boost their backfield, and the patriots get the Saints 1st Round pick next year and their second round pick this year. Savvy move by Belichick, naturally. Who is going to reach and take Ingram in my fantasy draft next year? It’s going to happen. “he’s a huge nuck!” says Owl; put that on his scouting report.

8:11pm – Bud Light commercial with guys everywhere pulling chicks, “what kind of fucking apartment complex do these guys live in? … I bet those stickers never get penises drawn on them.” Yup, it’s almost the end of the night.

8:13pm – add Ingram to the best dressed list … and here’s Goodell to make it official … and 28th ovearall is the longest a running back as ever waited in the modern draft era … and apparently the Bears have selected and the Jets are on the clock.

8:20pm – Bears up and take Gabe Carimi, the big tackle from Wisconsin… great pick by the Bears, he’s going to be a solid pro, and Jay Cutler must be happy, though he’s probably deep in Kristin Cavallari at the moment.

8:24pm – looks like the Jets are taking Mo Wilkerson, who is really good. I was hoping they’d take someone shitty like Kyle Wilson again. I said it last year and I’ll say it again, all Wilkerson has to do is get one sack and he’ll have more career QB take downs than Vernon Golston. The Jets suck.

8:26pm – Steelers waste no time in getting their pick in, which is great because I have a softball game at 9 and need to drop some bombs… looks like it’s Cam Heyward, Ironhead’s son, via home cam. Very emotional, wearing jeans, I’m definitely rooting for this kid.

8:27pm – last pick of the First Round coming up and it’s the Packers on the clock, here’s who we have still left: Da’Quan Bowers, Derek Sherrod, Akeem Ayers, Justin Houston, Kyle Rudolph, Ryan Mallett among others…

8:32pm – what do the Packers do here? They should make a trade to a team who needs a QB, because early in the Second Round three teams in a row are gonna pick who need a QB … the packers don’t need a receiver, come on Mooch…

8:35pm – first mention by Eisen of himself on Letterman Wednesday night, shocked it took this long, I definitely had the “under” in that one … and still no mention of the podcast, though Marshall just said something about it … unreal, really, upset of the 1st round.

8:37pm – Packers pick and put a wrap on the first round, great night so far … here we go … Derek Sherrod. Solid way to end it for the champs, protection for Rodgers… gotta run to my game, but I’ll be back with some closing thoughts later tonight.

11:57pm – With the 1st Round complete here some quick thoughts before we get ready for Friday’s 2nd and 3rd Rounds: top 5 went as scripted and then it was a free-for-all; definitely think Falcons gave up too much for Julio Jones, who might be just a Combine Warrior (stay tuned); Saints come away looking good with Jordan and Ingram; Cam Newton is the new Tim Tebow only he’s gonna play right away and probably isn’t a virgin; fans are pretty upset with Roger Goodell; the Patriots like to trade and take players from the SEC; some guys are definitely slipping for reasons unknown; the Pepsi Max and Echo commercials are etched in my brain, and these kids are already richer than I’ll ever be.

— Chris Brockman

11:11 pm  •  29 April 2011  •  7 notes